My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
