if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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