The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
