just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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