I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
