sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
