i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
