tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
