goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
