why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
