NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
