Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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