Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
