is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
