the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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