I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
