I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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