im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
