we have pet lesbian snakes
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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