my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
