A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
