Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
