i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
