A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
