Just cropdusted the office
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
