I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
