i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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