Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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