I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
