Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
