Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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