I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
