I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
