Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
