I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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