Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
