I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
