Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we made out on top of his cat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
