We're facebook friends in real life
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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