whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He told me they were just razor bumps!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
