No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
So squirting runs in the family.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
