So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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