The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
