Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
