i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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