Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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