I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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