Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
