Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
