I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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