I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
