dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
