I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
