I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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