The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
